The previous entry serves as a warning to happy, light-hearted people.
This might be one hugely long boring entry which spills out every thing in my mind. Or do I want to release it in little bursts, that's meant to be healthy according to most psychiatrists. 'Don't pent up your emotions, release them as they build up, that way you have a good balance.' Well screw them. I had no one to talk to.
Right Random Habit Number Two, (my first is the wooden kitchen utensils) is to chew peices of dental floss in half then throw them away. I hate chewing gum though. Why invent something that you can't swallow? I always end up swallowing any gum I get given though. I love crystals, they are so pretty, I have a huge collection at home, all sparkly and twinkly, like tears in Utena. Random switch now, I used to think I had a crush on my ex-best mate and now it feels really odd when I'm near one of my other best mates. I really like it when she hugs me or pats me on the back and I feel really happy when she sleeps over. Nothing happens, but once there was this moment where we were talking and then we turned over to face each other at the same time and our faces were really really close, it was dark so we couldn't see each other very well but what we were talking about just stopped and we had this odd sort of two second silence, but for me it felt like way longer then we both turned away. The next morning was awkward, that was two days ago. We spoke about it and she laughed and said that she found it really strange and when we both turned, she felt like exploding with laughter. She said she turned back around and found me asleep but we both know that's not true. I don't know. I used to have a diary and I had about 20 or so A6 pages left and I filled all with thoughts of her and how it would be great if we got together even though she's ultra sexy and has been asked out by loads of guys already. She's definitely straight, and I am pretty sure I am because I know guys that I fancy and stuff but it's nothing like the feelings I get for my friend. She's usually the one who dumps her boyfriends, but once she got dumped by a guy she'd propositioned and when she was crying and stuff, I just felt like scooping her up and killing the guy, I imagined horrible stuff like literally ripping him to shreds. It took so much self control not to go out to him and punch him until I got exhausted or hurt him in a really awful way. What hurt the most was when she said that she was sure he'd come back to her. Gah, I guess this sounds like I could be bisexual but I don't really think that's possible in a person, I'm very sure you either like one or the other. I love my friend dearly and I know we'll be good friends for years to come but it never feels like I'm gonna be truly happy unless she feels for me what I'm feeling for her. Damn. That's probably the biggest issue currently.
I have this other friend who uses me. She will ring me up, arrange days out with me all the while she'll say how wonderful a friend I am to her but she's such a bad friend to me. The thing is I have few close friends and I don't want to lose the one's I've got. I never understand how it feels to be a person who is be liked by everyone. I've seen people who epitomise perfect. People crowd round them, just happy if their gaze gets returned, completely and utterly worshipping them. I would love to know how it feels to be one of them.
Another thing is I have no idea about the future, everyone around me has some kind of thing they're really really good at, but not me. Everyone has their life planend out but I haven't a clue, it's really hard when a class tutor comes and talks to you, about university courses and you have no idea what to do. This issue, I am sure is shared by quite a few people, but as I said, all emo is coming out.
I reckon I am addicted to praise. I fish for compliments all the time in real life, people tell me it's annoying. But I seem to thrive on being recognised, on being noticed or acknowledged. But I hate bad attention. Poeple shouting really makes me upset. I dunno I just cannot stand shouting, it makes me feel like I want to cry, lash out, basically I run away whenever someone starts shouting. If someone I know really well gets praise for something, I get so jealous it scares me. There's one for Sigmund Freud to analyze.
I really want to fast forward time. Forget re-doing mistakes, I want to get as far away from them as possible. No matter how old I get, how many new things I can do, I really want to be older. Sometimes I do wish I could die, but not because life sucks. Just to get out of the cycle. The whole, you go to school, go to uni, go to work, get married, have a few kids, grow old thing just repulses me. I feel like I really don't want to be in this world that is dead from misuse and ruled by money. Everything I feel, is run by money. I don't want to be a millionare, I just want to be free. From the cycle. But how the hell are you meant to escape it? I don't have a particular skill I feel passionate about, my parents have made me take AS levels to be a doctor but I have no special talent for science. I have no special talent for anything, I don't have a forte, except it seems for spilling out emo onto other people.
I have a mountain of work that needs doing tomorrow. I doubt I'll get better than a C on it.
Ok, I just read through all that and wow, analyzing myself, I'd say that I have serious self esteem issues. Ah damn me and my messed up head.
Random habit number three: I imagine I can shoot flames from my hands (not from Roy Mustang. Seriously this was before I knew about fma). And that I live in the forest. With a team of people that I can order around. And they all fear me and idolise me.
Wow another example of how I could devlop multiple personality disorder.
I have never taken drugs, never gotten drunk or binge drinked and yet I have such a warped selfish view of the world. All I ever do is think about myself and never about the problems of others. Damn, one more self-help book on the shelf for me.
Random habit number four: I talk to myself in the toilet. Proper conversations and everything.
I nicknamed myself the ice princess. I have a thing for being a princess. sumemr princess, nature princess, when I was younger I used to imagine that the trees were bowing to me. Yet again, another unsurprising conclusion is drawn: CRIMSONLEAVES IS A SELFISH EGOMANIAC.
Woah that was all beautifully incoherent. Lucky me. Is that all my emo for now? Yup I think that is all my emo. If I remember more then I will write it here. But that is almost all my emo.
I have a friend on here. My first online friend...I wonder...
that sounds vaguely poetic now, doesn't it? Ha. Oh yeah this entry was meant to be about my interets in greater detail, so my favourite song by Tori Amos is Virginia, it has the most meaning for me I suppose, but I love all her songs of course. (I feel some of them are way too underrated) I stumbled upon Utena and got into it, I have the movie on dvd and the episodes too. Right, I am into good femslash if you don't like that then leave, I don't whether I would class myself as lesbian or straight, I'm pretty sure it's straight but thats a whole other load of emo. My fave pairing is Yoruichi-SoiFong but winryrose is wonderfully original, wish I'd thought of it.
Right enough, I made this just to spill out emo, I'm sure once all of it is out then I can write happier entries, but for now it's airing out all my many complicated relationships with people and just general woes. So yeah if you find my journal depressing then don't read it.
I've been checking this place out and it's made me feel even more depressed. Everyone has friends and everyone is normal. But not me. Damn.
For the past few months whenever I talk words seem to get jumbled when I speak and I end up saying something I didn't want to. Or the meaning changes because I don't express myself well enough. Urrgh. It makes me angry when I say the words stuff, thing and something, because the word I really want to say is stuck in my mouth or brain or tongue. It's odd. I feel really really unfitting sometimes. I have no normal interests in me, like I enjoy collecting wooden kitchen utensils. They have to be pale ones without an obvious grain. I recently saw a girl in town and certain aspects of the way she seemed so...innocent it makes me feel like I've changed into a girl I don't like. A very bad person. I can't talk to my best friend about serious things; ok I hate the way that sentence sounds. No, I feel like I'm not the friend I was to her. Scratch that I just can't put what I mean into words about that. It's odd, ok this still won’t put it into words but I feel like even though we've been friends for years, there's something somewhere where I lost the bond we had and now it's turned into something really superficial. Like when we talk it's only about random stuff or other people, it doesn't have any meaning to it, it seems pointless. Ages ago when we talked about the same kind of stuff it felt like it meant something, that our friendship was developing in a good way but now it seems like I'm playing a role, you know the whole friends-ring-each-other-up-all-the-time-and-share-giggly-secrets. One of my other friends has me seriously annoyed with myself too. I feel like her pawn or one of her minions, and I hate it. I feel like I have nothing normal about me, normal people don't have a deep desire to be living in a coffin. Maybe that's just Utena coming into there. Such a good anime. No one on here knows me, or the people who I've mentioned. I doubt anyone will even read this.
Hi, there I'm new and I'm probably gonna use this journal to spill out all my emo.
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